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I feel like I need a big change in my life, an epiphany. I live in sadness.

J

JohnnyGoodBoy

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 28, 2009
Messages
91
I'm in really bad shape right now, and I feel like I need help. I feel like I need a big change in my life, something inspirational, an epiphany, something that will change my view and my perspective on life.

I walk around in perpetual grayness, and I project this to everyone around me. I look at my eyes in the mirror, and I see no soul, a blank empty person where a vibrance once was.

Professionally, I'm rocking! I'm a doctor, and I'm finally on the cusp of making the big bucks. When most people find out what I do for a living, they are amazed. It's a good feeling. A lot of people spend their life worrying about money, and because of my hard work, (baring any unforeseen monkey-wrench) I most likely will be financially stable for the rest of my life.

Profession aside, every other aspect of my life is fucked up. I walk around with a permanent frown. A sad, lifeless expression. It's hard to smile, it takes effort. If I'm at a bar with my friends, I am constantly being reminded to smile.

I currently have no steady girl in my life. I got laid last night, and I don't even care. It gave me no joy, no pleasure. I was cheated on by my x-fiance. I used to more compassionate towards women.

I have a history of drug abuse (though I haven't touched an illegal drug in YEARS).

I thought perhaps psychiatry and medication would help. I've been seeing a shrink regularly for the past year, and I'm taking Wellburin XL 150mg. It's been an uphill/downhill kind of battle, but lately I feel like I'm getting little out of it. The Wellbutrin makes me paranoid, and somewhat OCD, yet when I tried weening off of it I was even more depressed.

Lately, I don't trust anyone's intentions. My friends, family, NO ONE. I think everyone hates me, everyone talks shit about me. Although I wouldn't actually kill myself, I do have suicidal thoughts.

I'm 30, I have a couple of grey hairs (a full head of hair thank god). I play the piano like a motherfucker, and I think I'm a pretty awesome guy. I just have this sadness, and fear, and loathing inside me...how the fuck can I make it go away??? I feel good when I exercise, and I'm getting back into a routine.

I am not a religious person, but I need some source of light, something to change my outlook on life. A book, a guru, a drug, SOMETHING?!?!

And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun
-Pink Floyd
 
^^ I'm not currently looking to mask my problem with illegal drugs, I'm looking for more of a spiritual, psychiatric sort of solution. I used to be a heroin addict, been there done that.
 
You are a successful cookie cutter doctor you say and other people are impressed about you (the grass is always greener on the other side), but you aren't. Maybe it is because people want to fit in the actual paradigm of a socially accepted mold, but when you fit into the so called mold, then you realize that you shouldn't live to fit any mold but yours.

My case was different than yours, but in essence was the same. Many people envy some things from my situation (the "mold"), but they envy it because society tells them to. But the reality is that they have nothing to envy from me and neither do I from anyone. My life was grey too and then I came to accept that the ONLY thing which could give colors to it was finding a purpose and pursuing it.

What is your purpose in life? Becoming the big bucks doctor? Helping cure people? You seem really unhappy about yourself and there you are, waiting for someone or something to save you, when the only one that can save you is, in fact, yourself. Honestly, I don't think you are happy with your profession despite you being successful at it. Take a break from it, get out of your city/country for a while, unplug yourself from routine and that may put thing into another perspective (no need for gurus, books or drugs). Then take it from there...
 
While I relate to your sadness and addictive nature, I can't fathom being a big shot Doc and not squeezing in a smile in at least once in a while ( and not a forced one). Most of my depression stems from working my ass off 70 hours a week for only a few steps ahead of minimum wage and always being broke. I started taking opiates because of no reason other then they were there and have ostracized all human contact. I was once a potential up-and-comer with many talents. While the talent remains, the trust instilled in me by my piers to allow me to be in a position of great importance has been squandered on keeping up with an all consuming habit.

What I want is to rid myself of my self loathing, man up and find a reason to get up in the morning all over again. I'll will my brain to produce dopamine, without intravenous coaxing, if I have to.

Come on Doc... you know more about the body more then I, I'm sure. Give your body a chance to start producing its own normal amount of natural chemicals and re-evaluate your station with a clear head. You'll be smiling again eventually if you stop poisoning yourself.
 
I find it hard to believe you're a doctor and you're asking for this kind of advice on BL.

But assuming you're telling the truth... why don't you take a sabbatical, travel the world, and see if you can find what it is you seek from life? It sounds like you're not satisfied with your life so you're going to have to make some changes. Do some exploring.
 
This was posted by the OP in September:

I'm living in a bit of a pharmacological nightmare right now and it sucks. I am trying to determine if it is Wellbutrin withdrawal, which I alwad thought was either mild or didn't exist.

I was on wellbutrin for 5 months, 300mg XR, and due to my insurance company needing preauthorizarion, I lost my script. I've gone 2 weeks without it. The first week I felt 100% normal, but lately I've been having splitting headaches, I'm extremely lethargic, and I don't feel "like myself." It's really cramping my style.

Went to my doctor today, and he thinks it's WB WD, and obviously repramanded me for stopping cold turkey. He put me on 150mg, and now I'm trying to get it filled (the pharmacy says it might take 72 hours!! Because of preauthorizarion)

Fuck man, it's Friday, I have fucking plans, yet I don't feel like partying. I'm wondering if the WB might make me feel better, but there is a chance I would have to spend $200 if I want it today (instead of $20 when the insurance company PAs it).

I'm also on Bupenorphine, and my first thought was Im taking too much Bup, but this made no sense. My dose has been fairly consistant for the past few
Months (roughly 5mg/day).

Has anyone ever stopped Wellbutrin cold turkey and experiences WDs? When did they start? How long did they last? What helped?

Help, my life is a pharmacological nightmare.

-JGB
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I call bullshit on this guy being a doctor.
 
^^What's funny is that I get your reaction from 50% of the people I meet, considering I look 25yo. Check my posting history.
 
AfterGlow said:
I find it hard to believe you're a doctor and you're asking for this kind of advice on BL.

But assuming you're telling the truth... why don't you take a sabbatical, travel the world, and see if you can find what it is you seek from life? It sounds like you're not satisfied with your life so you're going to have to make some changes. Do some exploring.
Click to expand...

The reason I'm posting on BL, is because when I was young, many years ago, I lived on this website. Your profession shouldn't define who you are, or what message board you post on

Anyways, thanks for your advice. I'm too young and fresh in my career to take a sabatical. I have close to 250K in debt, and these are my earning years, I don't have the luxury of taking time off.

I love my career, without it I would have nothing.

I just have this emptiness inside of me.
 
mushrooms. if you are a doctor, you'd know the effect they can have. eat a handful of mushrooms and watch or read some inspirational shit.

quit your job if that's causing your distress. do something you love. travel the world. tell people to fuck off if they talk shit about you.

do something, or do nothing. up to you
 
AfterGlow said:
I find it hard to believe you're a doctor and you're asking for this kind of advice on BL.

But assuming you're telling the truth... why don't you take a sabbatical, travel the world, and see if you can find what it is you seek from life? It sounds like you're not satisfied with your life so you're going to have to make some changes. Do some exploring.
Click to expand...

IMO I feel that Bluelight is one of the best places to bring up issues such as this. I had to say that because not only is Bluelight a godsend in so many ways, only on Bluelight will you experience the purest truth were oneself is able to voice his/her spirit if chosen too. Although I feel this post should be moved to the dark side for a few reasons, the amount of different types of people voicing opinions and experiences can only be found threw this forum. Doctors won't always cure the pateint right away, yet more of a steady or hopefully positive steady results.

Look into Ibogaine Therapy!!:) There is a wonderful place in Mexico for around $5,000 you can go for a week if its about drugs and 2-3 days for depression and a host of other issues such as soul searching, detoxification, just amazing really. Check out youtube.com about Ibogaine Therapy and you'll be amazed just as I was...... Good luck and hang in there... You have the world by the balls..... Take a break, get away, get help, you'll come back with many more years with BIG BALLA POCKETS MACKIN MAD HOES!!! :) Also take a look at LEXAPRO..... Heard its a pretty good medication from a friend of mine. I never tried Lexapro but all the other poisons didn't work for me....
 
JohnnyGoodBoy said:
^^ I'm not currently looking to mask my problem with illegal drugs, I'm looking for more of a spiritual, psychiatric sort of solution. I used to be a heroin addict, been there done that.
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Yeah, except your brain produces DMT. This renders everyone, including the president of the US, in possession of a Class I substance.

Your brain doesn't produce heroin.

Neither DMT nor heroin should even be illegal, so legality is besides the point.
 
JohnnyGoodBoy said:
^^ I'm not currently looking to mask my problem with illegal drugs, I'm looking for more of a spiritual, psychiatric sort of solution. I used to be a heroin addict, been there done that.
Click to expand...

Firstly why is the fact that it is illegal relevant? Secondly, DMT is not something that will 'mask' your problems. A DMT trip can be an event of immense spiritual benefit, which is exactly what you are asking for. Lastly, heroin and DMT are utterly incomparable. You may have been the world's biggest junkie but that doesn't mean you know shit about psychedelics.
 
250k in debt and miserable doesn't sound like someone who's satisfied by their career. for all the work that an MD is, it seems like all you're getting out of it is an ego boost when other people find out what you do. i think you need something in your life that makes you happy, rather than just making you feel important.
 
First of all, there are ALOT more psychotropic medications out there than wellbutrin. Check them out. Also you might consider seeing a psychologist as well for cognitive-behavioral therapy.
 
since it may help us to determine possible solutions to your sadness, could you tell us what type of doctor you are?
 
I can relate. I am set to graduate this spring in the top 10% of my law school. I too play piano like a motherfucker. Objectively, I seem like I'm 'successful,' yet I have intense sadness / anxiety, which basically translates to "I'm not having any fun, and I'm a bummer to be around."

I've tried Mushrooms, mescaline, lsd, ecstasy and they got me nowhere... maybe I'll feel good for 2 days. Then the pain comes back. Why shouldn't it? I actually just took mushrooms three weeks ago in an attempt to get me out of my latest slump, and they just made things worse.

So I made an appointment with a shrink, and he diagnosed 'Generalized Anxiety Disorder,' and put me on lexapro. I haven't started the meds yet, first dose is tonight.

Anxiety plagues professionals--and anxiety is associated with a hyperactive dopamine and NE system. Wellbutrin, if I'm not mistaken, is unique in that it inhibits reuptake of both serotonin AND dopamine, unlike traditional SSRIs that only affect serotonin. Also paraonia and compulsions are basal ganglia symptoms... too much dopamine. So I'd start with talking to your doc about getting on a purely serotonin boosting med like lexapro, zoloft, etc.

As for spiritual / non-drug strategies:

1) Eckert Tolle has full 2-3 hour lectures on amazon mp3 for 2 bucks. Hearing his voice and his message of mindfulness is a godsend.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias=digital-music&field-keywords=tolle&x=0&y=0

2) Mindfulness meditation - nothing mystical about it--20 minutes, twice a day. Sit your butt down on a pillow, set an alarm for 20 minutes in the future, and concentrate on your breathing. Takes the edge off.

3) Daily aerobic exercise--go to bed 1 hour earlier, and use that hour in the morning to do 40 minutes of cardio at over 135BPM--should be about right for a 30 year old. This is for your BRAIN--it promotes nerve growth factor and endorphins that are essential to feeling like you can live in your own skin.

4) These books:

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Gui...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266443418&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Good-B...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266443376&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Brain-Und...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266443402&sr=1-1
 
It's all "me, me, me". Volunteer, do something for others. Go to Haiti for fucks sake. You're a doctor, prime position to help people. sounds to me like you need a reality check and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
 
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